Do leaves know their beauty as they fall from a tree dropping ever so whimsically?

Does the ocean breeze know that it's the bee's knees as I stand with my toes in the sand?

Do the sun's rays know the magic they make as they embrace my face?

Does the snowflake realize that as it falls between my eyes it dances a ballet?

Do the fields of flowers know the majestic power and magnificent colors they display?

These mysteries and natural wonders that I regularly ponder help me to appreciate

That you alone, oh Yahweh, deserve the praise, the honor and the glory for your name

Those precious curious big eyes put a smile on anyone's face

I was only 9 but I knew that I would always love you. I would always be there.

You were special and everyone could tell

You had your wits about you

English and Spanish you grasped so well

As you grew, I grew too

Your laughter and joy filled the room

But shhh not too loud, Dad's on the phone again

I still had the pictures last time the belt hit your skin

I wished I could take that pain away

Little did I know that it would burrow deep inside

The years go by and by

Is this what a family is supposed to be like?

Therapy sessions, sleepless nights

Tears on our pillows, Mom and Dad fight

I was determined to make things right

But how could I?... How could I?

I tried so hard to be the light

Little Cesar's & RedBox nights

The court date approaches and things get ugly

But we don't notice, numbness feels so nice

We learned how to hide what we feel inside

Those years were a blur for me, to this day they're still blurry

But what do I know? I'm only 19

Little did I know that I wouldn't always be there as I thought

I still remember that night you didn't want me to leave

We were at Mom's and I was busy getting ready

You asked me to stay and I ignored you

Why did I ignore you..

You broke down into tears as you begged and pleaded

I didn't understand what it was you needed

Why couldn't I just stay..

You begged and begged for me not to go

Little did I know you were hurting inside

Mom held you back as I walked out the door

I don't even remember what I went out for

But that night haunts me still

You needed me and I left without remorse

I chose my friends..

On its course was a pattern already taking place

I chose many things over you, I let you down.

The years go by and by

We moved out of the hood, we survived

Back to abuelitos where I first laid my eyes on you

We had seen better days is a phrase best not used

For we finally found some peace in our youth

The circumstances weren't the best, after all we got evicted

We made the best of it as we always did.

You've grown up so fast, you had to.

You're smart, You're one in a million

Life insists on keeping you down but you keep getting back up, you're resilient

And I couldn't be more proud

I know I'm not around like before

But I'll always always love you, I'll always be there.. when I can

After all, I'm only 29

i’m a people pleaser, i know that.

growing up when asked what i like to do for fun or what my hobbies were i never knew what to say. i would think, really think hard, until finally the words trailed from my tongue through my lips “i like spending time with friends and family, i like making them happy”

the truth is i really do enjoy seeing my loved ones happy and if i can contribute to that it warms my heart. but who am i when no one is around? what do i actually like to do?

i’m somewhat of a perfectionist and my therapist told me i may have OCD, i know that.

people that get to know me often commend me for how organized i am or how well i do on my assignments. what they don’t know is the hours spent making sure each detail is precise. how i can’t settle for good enough. how i resort to tidying up and making sure all the chores and tasks on my list don’t slip through the cracks. i’m tired.

the truth is i do like how organized i am. as a result i’ve been able to develop a second brain inspired by the concept from Tiago Forte. it helps me stay sane. but is this safe when my second brain can collapse? i once made some changes to the settings in the calendar app i use and all of a sudden, all of the events i had saved for the next 6 months were wiped clean the next day. i contacted the support team but they were unable to help in any way. this sent me into a spiral of deep despair.

i overthink and also have a very hard time making decisions, i know that.

i get in my head about how my actions or choices have made others feel. even the smallest things. did i smile big enough when i saw so and so? or do they think i’m mad at them now? i need to work on my conversation skills. should i start writing? what other hobby can i pick up that i’ll drop in a few weeks? this next sentence is taking me far too long to decide on so i’ll just write this instead.

the truth is i hate this about myself. it’s overwhelming. i would like to be more sure of myself. i would like to be better at being ok with my decisions. i yearn for a life where i don’t hesitate to go along with my instincts and be happy with the outcome.

i am very numb, i know that.

people have described me as very serious, or even stoic. friends have surprised me with gifts or grand gestures only to stand there waiting for my reaction. while i also just stand there, hoping the emotions will kick in this time. i have to remind myself to smile or act happy or act excited. the truth is i don’t think i actually know what those things feel like.

the truth is i hate this about myself so much it makes me sick. i want to feel. i want to experience. i want to live.

these are just a few reasons i feel that maybe i am just my traumas. at least for now. but i’m fighting back.

i must persevere like the roach.

“On a personal level, roaches can metaphorically represent hidden flaws, shame, or the messiness we try to conceal from others. Their sudden appearance can make people feel exposed or judged, as if their private imperfections have been revealed”